Messy, Messy, Messy

A few years ago, Miranda Lambert had a song out called Mama's Broken Heart. When it came on, I cranked the volume and sang at the top of my lungs. I think that was my crazy showing, because I get it...I have had my heart broken more than a couple times. But even though I sang loudly and with reckless abandon, I didn't want anyone to see or know the crazy like it truly plays out in my head. 

In my head, the crazy is a string of run-on sentences...things that could (but probably will not) happen...things I want to do...things I have to do...things I have forgotten to do...things I do not want to forget to do... The thoughts come with vivid pictures, often in amazing technicolor. If I am using a sharp knife, my mind's eye sees it slicing through my finger, blood everywhere, and I mentally run through the list of what I would do if that actually happened...things like that. Things to be hidden, for sure.

Eventually I started to realize that I wasn't doing anyone any favors by "hiding my crazy," or trying to. What I was really doing was working on a nervous breakdown. When the breakdown came, I took a break from the blog (and just about everything) until I felt more like I could keep it together a little better, even when I was falling apart.

I shared a little of that crazy with you in my Pre-Vacation Jitters post a couple weeks back because I now see that it is really not good to hold that all inside. Besides the nervous breakdown, pretending to have it all together does nothing for the world around you. People look at a smiling face (phony or not) and think, "I wish I had my life together like she/he does. My life is a mess!" I think that too! But the truth is, if we are true and honest with ourselves and with each other, that we are all a mess.

We come from messy families, and messy friendships, and messy jobs, and even messy churches. Things often do not go according to plan, and the older I get, the more trouble I have adjusting to the sudden, sharp shifts in direction. When I am on my game, I recognize this, and I take a moment...have a snack or a nap, take a walk, or some other kind of small break from the crazy. I just need some time to wrap my head around the new plan and change gears. 

When I am off my game, the crazy hits like a ton of bricks! I cry, I claw and I come apart, shouting to the heavens, "Really? Why me again?!?" When I am off my game, I cannot even recognize that I need to eat or sleep...I just go off. It is embarrassing. I get why Miranda's mama wanted her to hide it.

But in the quiet moments, the ones where I quiet my brain to hear the voice of God and revel in his mighty creation, those are the moments that I am reminded that He is in control...and I am not. This is a good thing, even if God allows things I do not understand. If I (and my crazy) were in control, everything would be a mess, because I am a mess. I am so thankful that God is for me, and that I can trust his promises, even when I cannot see where the road leads. Every day I remember that "I sought the Lord, and He answered me. He delivered me from all my fears." (Ps 34:4) And every day He continues to deliver me, even when that deliverance involves a sharp turn in the road of my circumstances.

Today I am thankful for the quiet moments, and the calm that can be found all around me, if only I open my eyes. I am thankful for the simple pleasures of summer popsicles, and the astounding beauty of God's creation.

And I am thankful that you have stopped by, even (especially) in the middle of your mess. I am glad that you have taken a moment to quiet your soul, and reassure yourself that you are not alone. I am right there with you, and if misery loves company, lets get messy together. Maybe we can help each other out along the way.

Now, take another moment to breathe, and Knit in Good Health!

Tossing the Stash

If you have been following, you know that I currently work in the insurance industry. One of the requirements of the industry is that I maintain a license to sell and discuss insurance products, and a requirement of the license is continuing education. This week, I attended CE classes to help meet that requirement, and one of them was titled "Hoarding and Excessive Contents." 

Hoarding is a disorder, with an accompanying diagnosis. As such, its discussion as it relates to the person(s) affected, is protected by HIPAA laws. Therefore, in the industry, the term used to describe the conditions you have likely seen on reality television is Excessive Contents. Translation: too much stuff in there!

As you might imagine, after that class, I came home and took a good look at my own home! Most of the place is pretty good, I thought...until I got to the basement, which I have been meaning to clean out for some time. See where I am going? Correct! Straight to the basement, where I made a mental plan to go through at least a bit of the stuff...to toss the stash,* if you will. I rolled up my sleeves this week, and dove right in to start tossing!

As I was tossing the stash (the yarn stash, the fabric stash, the craft stash, etc), I found lots of treasures. Things I had stashed in the basement 5 years ago, when we painted and re-carpeted the main living areas. Things I had stashed 2 years ago, when I left my job at the church and had to clean out my desk. Things I stashed last week, because I just didn't know where else to put them!

Rabbit trail: When Dollface got married, on December 30, I went down to the basement to get the iron. Sweetie was going to need his shirt pressed, and although I had known this in advance, I did not set out the iron and ironing board early. So, with about 30 mintes until it was time to go to the hall and set things up, I went down to get those items, and came up short. I knew where the iron should have been, but try as I might, I could not put my hands on it. I ended up going to a neighbor to borrow an iron...so embarrassing! So much stash! Anyhoo...

While filling my third trash bag with items-I-had-not-seen-or-remembered-in-3-years-or-more, I saw something shiny...THE IRON! In all fairness to my memory, it was right where I had thought it should be when I was looking for it in December, but it had been buried under too many layers of "just put that there for now," and stash diving is not something one does just a few minutes before leaving for one's daughter's wedding... But here it was! The iron! Now I can iron! (Side note: Who am I kidding? If I ironed on any kind of regular basis, I never would have "lost" the thing! lol!)

I spent two-and-a-half hours in the basement, tossing the stash, and tossing many unnecessary items that had not been seen nor missed in a very long time, and I felt very accomplished. I put things back together, took a step back, and prepared to admire my handiwork. Except...well...the basement still looks like THIS:

Yes, there is still work to be done, and lots of it. Even so, I stopped and rewarded myself with a cookie and a cup of tea for all the hard work. As I enjoyed my snack, I was reminded that my less-messy-but-still-VERY-messy basement is a metaphor for my life. There is a bunch of junk in my head, and in my heart, that I wish I could get rid of easily. I would like everything inside me to be neat and orderly, like that one stack of plastic bins against the far wall that you cannot even see in the picture, because it is hiding behind other junk!

Lately, I have started taking a look at the things I have stashed in my head and in my heart....anger, frustration, sadness, unforgiveness, bitterness. It is not pretty stuff, but it is there, alongside the faith, hope, love and joy, there is quite a bit of ugly. It makes me wonder sometimes...how can God possibly use me? Am I just a pretender when I slap on that smile and try to love others? Is my faith real? If it is, how can this other stuff still hang around?

What God reminded me of this morning is Romans 8:28-30 -  

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And having chosen them, he called them to come to him. And having called them, he gave them right standing with himself. And having given them right standing, he gave them his glory.

I know that God, regardless of what I have done so far in this lifetime, can work through the messiness of my life. He can make something good from me, even when I cannot see what comes next over the piles of junk! I walk through valleys, acquiring negative emotions every day. But God knew me in advance of all the bad times. Despite all of the wrong in my life, he chose me to become like Jesus, and he calls me to himself. When I continue to choose Jesus, day after day and everyday, I know that I have right standing with God and will someday experience his glory...even though my basement may still be a mess. Faith, hope, love and joy are there...just behind that pile o'stuff...they are in the bins along the wall, right next to the iron! I have access and can use them freely, even while I continue to clean up all the other junk, and this is how God continues to use me!

I promise that I will never come into your home to pass judgement on whether or not you suffer from Excessive Contents. Also, there is no one on earth qualified to judge the contents of your heart and mind...but there is One who loves you enough to look past all of the junk, and he is calling. If you have not yet heard the call, I pray that you will take some time to get quiet and listen soon. None of us can clean up our lives in a couple of hours or days...the cleanup will likely take the rest of our lives. But you and I can start whenever we like, and there is no time like the present!

Regardless of the condition of your "basement," I am glad that you stopped by today. I hope that you found some encouragement, and I invite you to journey with me into the unknown territory that is letting God rule your messy life! Feel free to have a cookie and celebrate each small victory as you clean-up and answer the call. 

Until we meet again, Knit in Good Health!

*Tossing the Stash is a term used by knitters to describe the process of going through all of the yarn to see what you have. Sometimes this is done unintentionally while searching for a skein of something special that you know is in there, and you deeply desire it now that you cannot find it. It is also good to toss the stash every few months, to check for evidence of moths in the wool, and to be sure that no skein has fallen prey to dampness, lonliness or other ills. Many crafters toss their stash, regardless of wool content and fear of moth infestation, just for fun! However, there have been others reported missing after "going down to check for one ball of the green..." and not returning for days. "I am not sure why she wanted green," said a family member. "She is clearly more of a purple and teal kindof gal!" To which the knitter, emerging from the pile of yarn triumphantly, green in hand and tears at the corner of her eyes, replied, "I didn't think you had noticed..."