How Many Times?

As long as I have been a Christian, I have struggled with scripture. I believe that the Bible is the inspired word of God, and this is where I learn about who God is and who I can be. I read of God's promises to his people, most notably the promise of life eternal life with him, that are available through a relationship with him. 

Each time I read my Bible, I struggle with the fact that the all-knowing, all-powerful, ever-present God could offer me such promises. After all, I am imperfect, irresponsible and inseparable from sin...how could the perfect God love the me that I know he knows I am? Yet I believe that he does.

I also struggle with God's guidelines for how I should live and love in light of His perfect love for me. The greatest commandment given to his people is to love God and love others (Matt 22:37-40; Mark 12:30-31; Luke 10:27; John 13:34-35). And if God can love me, can forgive me, can welcome me into relationship with him, certainly I can do that for others, right? 

I know God has shared his love with me, and that I should freely share my love with others. It is easy with the people I like, the ones who are kind to me and who love me first. But just like a pre-schooler with a new toy, I don't often feel like sharing with someone who has snatched something out of my hand, or out of my life. 

"How many times should I forgive?," said Peter to Jesus in Matthew 18:21, and Jesus' answer was basically this: More times than you can count, silly! I get that, and I understand that forgiveness is all about my response, and not so much about the one who has "trespassed against" me (Matt 6:12). 

I know that if a person sins against me, and even if they continue to sin against me, it is my responsibility to forgive. Even where there is not repentance or remorse, even when I must remove that person from my life, I also must forgive. Some of the little sins are easy, but what about the big stuff?

What about a person who has really, really wronged me, or someone I love? I have been working hard to forgive a person like that for the past 3+ years. The words are easy enough to say, and there are things I can do to show my intent to forgive, but I wonder if I will ever actually feel like my forgiveness is complete? 

In February 2016, my brother-in-law shot and killed his sister and brother. On that night, my husband and his family lost three people, two to death and one to prison. To say the least, the entire family was devastated. Much of the family is still devastated. In addition to the loss of life, everyone in the family lost the sense of security and well-being that comes from knowing that your family's "got your back," because at least one member of this family clearly did not.

Despite the great loss, Sweetie and I are choosing daily to forgive this brother, and it is hard. It feels like more times than I can count already. Each time we have been in contact since that night, through letters, phone calls and visits, we forgive. Although we have not seen evidence of remorse or regret, we have continued to forgive and love this brother as we are able. Sometimes I think I cannot go on forgiving him, and I wonder why I even try.

Then I open my Bible again. I struggle with the fact that the all-knowing, all-powerful, ever-present God could offer any of us such gifts as his love, mercy and grace. We are all imperfect, irresponsible and inseparable from sin...how could the perfect God love us? How could he love that brother-in-law in prison? Yet he does.

I will keep trying because I want my brother-in-law to know God's truth and to experience God's promises. I will keep loving and forgiving because, if I can love and forgive a murderer, the other offenses in my life should be relatively easy to overcome and forgive. I will keep on loving the unlovely because God loves me, one of the unloveliest people I know.

I suppose that I may never feel the forgiveness the way I want to, but I will keep working on it, for God so loved me that he gave his one and only Son that I would not perish but have eternal life through my belief in Him. (Paraphrase of John 3:16, as I understand it)

Is there anyone that you need to forgive, friends? Let's work on it together. Bring your knitting, it may take awhile.

Thanks for stopping by, and Knit in Good Health!