Last Saturday, I posted about what I think my cats think. I should have had a net, because they told me this week that I was way over the line, and I would have plunged to my death had I been walking a tightrope! While I am not exactly sure what I wrote that got them so upset, I certainly recognize their offense...so I offered them the opportunity to blog today to make it up. I apologized, and I asked them to help me understand.
They turned me down.
"If you don't know what you said to offend us, we are certainly NOT going to tell you!"
Well, that strikes a familiar chord. I remember pulling a similar line on my husband as a very young wife. A couple of decades into my marriage, I found a workaround. It is not very romantic, but it is cheaper than divorce and much less stressful than stuffing my feelings. I told him what I wanted. I told him how he could be most helpful to me.
"Honey, I have had a hard day. I need a hug, and I want to melt into your arms and mess up your shirt with tears and say lots of things. What I need from you, please, is to just put your arms around me and say, 'There, there. It's gonna be ok,' until I am finished."
Weird, right? I know. Very weird. But you know what happened in that moment? My husband gave me exactly what I needed. We did not talk about different ways I could see the situation, or how to fix the problem with a new rule in my life, and I felt loved. There was still a problem to solve, of course, but now we were on the same page...he was not confused about what I wanted, and it was something he could give.
Since that time, I have learned much about getting along with others. First and foremost, I've learned that my interpretation of any given experience is almost certainly different than yours, and there is nothing I can do to change that. Oh, there may be similarities...but even if we live through the exact same moment in time together, our interpretation of how our needs are met (or not met) in that moment will be tinged by our expectations, our previous experiences and our current state of being (who we are at heart). This is true whether you are a spouse, a friend, a total stranger or the cat.
Second, we cannot work well together if we do not communicate, because I cannot know your interpretation, experience and expectation unless you tell me. Loving conversation is the best way to give and receive direction, and direction is what most of us are looking for when we try to solve a problem. Without that give and take, without knowing the why behind the word or deed, almost anything can become offensive to somebody, somewhere.
Engaging directly in the give and take of loving conversation helps us manage expectations on both sides, which keeps us from injuring one another (and being injured) and engages us to work together in fixing what needs to be fixed. I never wish to offend...not even the cats. I just want us all to learn to get along to solve problems together, and I cannot achieve that on my own. Let's have a loving conversation and work this thing out, maybe over a couple of kitty treats? In the grand scheme of things, isn't that better?
Wherever you are, and whoever you are with, please remember that none of us are mind readers. Please use kind words to engage in loving conversation so we can all do better at getting along with one another...and with the cats. Now, it's time for me to get back to the knitting.
Thanks for stopping by, and Knit in Good Health!
