Choose Happy (when you can...)

Because you can't always Choose Happy. 

Sometimes happy is not in the picture for a bit, and that's ok. Sometimes you don't get a choice, and the emotion of the day is sad...or angry...or anxious...or whatever. It's ok. Let yourself feel it. Rather than slapping on a smile and pretending, give yourself some time to do what you need to do to get through it.

What?!? Is that what YOU always do, Pretty?

Well, first of all, that was a fairly accusatory tone. Secondly, ouch. No. That is not what I always do. I'd sure like to do that more often...but I am far from perfect, and I know it.

Pretty is queen of slapping on a happy face and pretending that all is well in the Pretty World. It is a coping mechanism, as much as any other. I can fake it 'till I make it to happy, right? Sometimes, but not always...and that's not the healthiest way to approach those icky emoticons. 

What I should do instead (at least according to just about everything I've read about emotional health) is 1. acknowledge what I feel, 2. allow myself to feel it, and then 3. figure out how to move forward, even though it feels really bad sometimes. 

Sometimes moving forward means slapping on a happy face and just doing the next right thing...but sometimes it means taking a nap, or a break (preferably with a cup of tea and some knitting).

A shawl I have recently knit.

Sometimes moving forward means having an occasionally difficult conversation, or an easy talk, with a friend or family member. 

Sometimes moving forward means having an ugly cry. 

Most of the time, for me anyway, moving forward means finding a way to get outside myself and do something for someone else...perhaps even for the person who is at the center of whatever emotional outburst I happen to be in the middle of. 

During 2021, I had lots of opportunities to do this well. During 2021, I did not always take those opportunities. I will try to do better in 2022.

Will you join me? I can teach you to knit along the way, you know, if you're into that kind of thing. If not, I can just stand with you as we do our best to Choose Happy...when we can. 

Thanks for stopping by. Knit in Good Health, and Happy New Year!

Inny or Outy?

This is the weekend we have waited for! The springtime Knitters' Weekend at Lakeside! I covered myself way ahead of time for both work and church duties...it is going to be the first time I can stay from beginning to end and not miss any of the shenanigans! 

So, you see, coronavirus is clearly my fault. 

Isn't there some saying about "best laid plans" and "impending doom?" I mean, that might not be exactly what the quote is, but it feels that way today...waking up in my own house...having breakfast alone in the front room, and not in the bright kitchen of the lake house...knitting all by myself until my hubby wakes up and takes his place in the other room with his coffee.

For what it's worth, we are not socially distancing from one another, he just likes his own space. As a matter of fact, he kinda digs social distancing in an "everyone is finally just getting out of my way!" kind of way. Yes, the introverts are doing mostly ok.

Introverts who live with extroverts? Yeah. Pray for them. Pray for them a lot!

I know there are lots of posts all over social media about "A List of Things I've Learned by Staying Home," but I have my own list. Like, I think the cats, or at least Black Cat is actively stalking me. I mean, she may have been doing this all along, but today she is just lurking around every corner...

I am pretty sure she was planning to take advantage of my hands being full of clean laundry to knock me down the stairs this morning, until she saw the camera. 

Even cats don't want to leave behind photo evidence.  Look at the "innocence" in her eyes as she lurks behind me even now...

I foiled her plans on the steps...which is good, because there were cookies in the oven.

Yes, it was 10am, and there were cookies in the oven. By 10:15 I had eaten three. 

I wonder...if I bake all of the cookies (I usually freeze some of the dough), will any last until Sunday? I suppose it doesn't matter. I should fit into my stretchy pants for at least the next 20 or 30 pounds...and with April snow, the extra "fluff" is good for insulation, sooooo Cookie Me!

At least I have the knitting. I have finished three bunnies, a couple of sweaters, three gnomes and two pair of socks...

Thankfully, I am nowhere near running out of yarn, but I did manage to do a teensy bit of online shopping last night...and there was yarn involved. Please don't judge...I have a gnome for that.

So, friends, how are you holding up? Are you an "inny" (Introvert: I kinda like staying away from people anyway; I'll stay in, no problem.) or an "outy" (Extrovert: I WILL HUG THE STUFFING OUT OF ALL OF YOU WHEN THIS IS OVER! I MISS MY PEOPLE!!!) in all of this, and what are you doing to cope? 

If you are looking for a hobby, yarn and needles are available online, and there are learn-to-knit classes all over YouTube! Whatever you do to cope, I hope that you are coping well, and remember that it is a good time to relive your teen years by talking on the phone for hours. 

Thanks for stopping by, from the comfort of your home, and Knit in Good Health!

Howling at the Moon

Last week, I blogged about a rogue appendix. Since then, we have taken another trip to the ER to address a post-op infection, and we have spent the past week waiting for himself to feel just a little bit better at least. I think, as of yesterday, he has finally turned that corner! I am happy to report that his fever is gone, and his pain management is down to OTC medications. Of course, he is not quite howling at the moon yet!

To celebrate, I have started knitting in color. First a baby sweater, with a sweet rose pattern at the hem, knit in a cotton/linen blend. It has not been blocked or buttoned yet, but here's a picture anyway. I really like how it turned out!

Next up was double the fun...I started a double-knit scarf for Peanut, in her school colors. (Shhhh! It's a surpise!) The school mascot is a wolf, so I found a pattern for a colorwork wolf howling at the moon, and took off with it! As Peanut says, "You mess with the wolf, you get the howl!" 

Today is going to be a good day, I can feel it! I hope that your day is good too, and that you get in a good howl at the moon before October hits tomorrow!

Thanks for stopping by, and Knit in Good Health!

In the Margins

My hope for this week's post was to show you toys and socks and fingerless gloves, all on my needles because this should have been a light week in the mornings and evenings. There should have been a little more "margin" in our lives this week...you know, a little white space around the edges where we could take notes and just rest up a bit. However, on Monday night this was my view:

As it turns out, the bellyache that Sweetie had had all day, was not just a bad burrito. So, rather than sleeping peacefully and feeling much better on Tuesday, we took a trip to the ER. There they determined that this was the problem...

Yep, that's an appendix, and not a particularly healthy one. Turns out that surgery was the plan for Sweetie on Tuesday, so we spent that day in the hospital too. When he was out of surgery, he was eager to go home to recover...but first he had to keep down some "food" (or, you know, jello), which he did rather quickly, yay.

Much to our surprise, we then learned that an appendectomy means a 2-4 week recovery, even when done laparascopically! Take it very easy, no lifting anything over 10 pounds, heavy medication while the post-surgery pain persists. So our last few days have been spent medicating and finding comfortable positions for sleeping, sitting and stifling the pain. Extra pillows have been a plus, but boredom has reigned supreme for the poor guy! Apparently, one can only watch so much television...

Too bad he is not quite bored enough to learn to knit...I could have him work on some Christmas gifts for me while I am at work! Perhaps he will be bored enough for that next week...lol! At least I finished this cutie in time for her appearance at a birthday gathering before the appendix of doom made itself known!

All in all, even with the hiccup that a bad appendix has brought to our lives, we are still thankful that it was not anything worse. God is still good, and he got Sweetie in before the situation was dire, even though it has been very painful. We are thankful that the appendix did not burst, and that the surgery did not require more days of hospital recovery. We are thankful that he was healthy enough for surgery, and that there were no complications. We praise God that we are fearfully and wonderfully made, and we are thankful to live in this age of modern medicine. 

Now, to get back to the knitting and napping that can make Saturday such a lovely day! I hope that you have some leisure, some margin, planned into your day and your weekend, and that your margin is not surgery induced!

Thanks for stopping by, and Knit in Good Health!

Knitting in My Sleep

I knit. I knit a LOT. Some might even suggest that I knit in my sleep. I don't know about that, but I do know that I have fallen asleep while I am knitting, and I have done this on a regular basis. In fact, I am currently having trouble staying awake all day long...and if napping were a marathon event, I would win! I figured that the sleepiness might have something to do with one of my new prescriptions, so I asked my doc about it at the last checkup. "I dunno if it's normal," I said, "but I can sleep 12 hours at night, then take an afternoon nap for 3-4 hours, and sleep another 10-12 again the next night."

Hmmm... Perhaps it has happened, and I have finally turned into a cat?

Doc looked a little concerned, and replied that my current medications should not be having that effect. In fact, as the depression is controlled, the opposite should be true. I should have renewed energy! Hmmm... We decided to check my thyroid, and guess what? It is a slacker! I have hypothyroidism, which means that my thyroid needs a swift kick in the pants (or a new prescription) to encourage production of thyroxine (the thyroid hormone). Since the thyroid lives near my throat, I opted to not have it kicked, and I have started a new medication.

Fun fact about the new medication: It doesn't play nice with my multivitamin and calcium supplements, so I have to take those at night now, while I take the thyroid pill in the morning. You know what that means? Yes, I have arrived. On Wednesday I bought my first AM/PM pill minder. o_0 Time marches on, and I am not getting any younger...it was inevitable, I suppose.

::So, Pretty...can you really knit in your sleep???::

Well, not yet...but if this medication doesn't kick in soon, I may have to knit in my sleep OR start my Christmas knitting today! This past week, I have not knit much, but I have napped well. I think I am trying to store up sleep so I can be awake for the visit of some very cute granddaughters. They will be coming on Monday, and I have the house pretty much ready...we are so excited to see these faces in person again!

They will visit until early June, and then they move too far away for weekend trips. I will have to start a savings plan for airline tickets! Please forgive me if I end up taking a short blog break. I am sure to be back with plenty of photos before too long. For now, I think I am going to take a nap.

Thanks for stopping by, and Knit in Good Health!

Just Breathe...

Forgive me me, friends, for I have not blogged. It has been 4 weeks since my last post. You may have noticed the unintentional break, or not. I know that I am not the center of your universe, and I'm ok with that. But there has been a break, and I'm sorry if you missed me. 

First the backstory: I have a history of postponing my own emotional processes when difficulties come. I thrive on supporting others, and I am the first one in line to tell a friend (or all of blogdom) that there are no wrong feelings, and the key is to just let yourself feel it to get through the hard times, to just take a moment to breathe and feel. I get busy helping others feel their feelings while putting mine high up on a shelf, where I am not distracted by them. Later, when there is a lull in the things-to-be-done department, I retreat to a quiet place to feel...and I am pretty good at feeling both the highs and the lows. 

The highs are easy to feel right away. A new baby? Let's all celebrate together! Your last scan came back clean? Hoorayyyy! You got the house? won the lottery? became engaged? Let's have cake! and dance! and sing! Let's all share the happiness, wish each other well, hug and celebrate!!! Then we take time to breathe, and to figure out how much the baby (wedding/house/taxes) will cost in the long run. God has a plan for every life, and we are especially aware of this when we are in the high times. 

The lows are a different story. In the lows, we often don't know what to do or say, and we are prone to feel alone and perhaps abandoned by even God. Sometimes the feelings surprise us...especially when angry encroaches upon sad, which happens more often than one might expect. But it's ok to be angry as a part of the grieving process, and it's absolutely normal. Yet anger that overtakes sadness is commonly confusing. Why did he/she die now? I'm too young to have to deal with this! This is not fair, and I am angry! Where do I direct that anger? At God? At a dead person? At myself?

My defense, rather than dealing with my own low feelings right away, is to put them on that shelf and get busy doing the things that need to be done. I hand out the tissues, and I let others cry or yell, as their grief directs them...or I tackle that job that no one else can quite muster the energy for in their grief. Later, I find that quiet place, all by myself, and I weep and gnash my teeth. I cry out to God and beg him to bring back that person...that opportunity...to change the outcome somehow. I blame myself for things that are not my fault. I yell and I cry some more, and I pray. When my dad passed away suddenly, just after Christmas 1994, it took me about 4 months to get to that place. The process took some time, and it was not pretty. But when the season was over, I had felt the feelings. I was ready to move on. 

Jumping back into the present tense here, if you have noticed my absence recently around the internet, you probably know something about my current season. If not, you can look back through some of my past posts for an overview. In a nutshell, there has been much loss in my life (and in Sweetie's) over the past 18 months or so. Broken relationships, serious illnesses, deaths, family turmoil, job uncertainty, and more...it just kept coming, fast and furious. Through it all, there were things to do, balls to keep juggling, and other people also dealing with hurt, frustration, sadness and anger. If I had a nickel for every time I said, "Just take a minute, and breathe. Feel it, it's ok to feel it," with a tissue at the ready and tears in my eyes, I would have a lot of nickels! 

But, in order to do that, I kept putting my own feelings on that shelf, waiting for a quiet time to breathe. When a co-worker left our office under less-than-perfect circumstances, I listened to many who couldn't understand what had happened. I took a deep breath and encouraged them to see that God has a plan, and this must be part of it. When the senior minister was diagnosed with cancer, I took a deep breath and coached many in the church to pray and to feel, and to help us all find God's plan through Tim's cancer. When he died, I took a deep breath and did my best to comfort members of the church and pray for members of his family, looking for God's plan and encouraging them to let themselves feel. When we welcomed new staff into our office, and people came to me with concerns about changes at the church, I took a deep breath and cheered for the change, assuring them that this was all part of God's plan. When my brother-in-law took the lives of two siblings, Sweetie and I took deep breaths and grieved with the family, as we as we took on some of the details that the official next of kin were unable to deal with immediately. We grieved, and we loved the family and friends of his brother and sister who were gone too soon, and struggled to make sense of the crime.

Finally, when it became apparent that my job at the church was changing, and that I was having difficulty changing with it, I took a deep breath and accepted a job offer with a lot of promise at a new company. Unfortunately, somewhere in the first few weeks of the new job, all that inhaling ran out of places to go, and my shelf collapsed. I had failed to exhale, to find that quiet place to finally cope and deal with my growing depression. One Saturday, I started crying...and I didn't stop. I kept going to work, and I could keep it together at my desk for an hour or two before I went to the ladies' room to vent a few tears (as quietly as possible) wash my face and try again. I went to the doctor, and to a psychologist, and to the pharmacy, and I took a few days off. I set up an appointment with a therapist, and I tried to go back to work. 

Two Saturdays later, I started crying again...and I didn't stop, again. I quit my shiny, new job on May 17 with no plan. I cried on the sofa for three weeks, while binge watching Downton Abbey...I took my meds...I went to therapy...I practiced breathing techniques for relaxation and relief from the constant anxiety. In short, I let myself feel it. I recognized that I needed help to let myself feel it, and I sought out that help...then I just felt it.

About two weeks into the process, I started to feel a little more like myself. I was three seasons into Downton, I had seen the therapist twice and made plans for a day with my daughter at the zoo. As the fog of depression started to lift, I was finally able to start looking for God's plan in it all. I really cried out to him, and sought answers from his Word. I started putting pants on again, every day even, and I was happy to finally be starting the process of recovery. I am far from finished with the process, but I am glad to be starting the journey to wellness, and it feels like the time to come back to the blog. 

I am also glad for friends who have been so supportive, inviting me to lunch, to go for walks in the neighborhood, to talk, even sending small gifts of encouragement to "just keep swimming":

And I am thankful to one friend in particular, who offered me a new, new job this week. His office gal is leaving to have a baby, so it may be a temporary gig, but it feels like God has given me a little stepping stone to get back up again. I took the job, I started on Tuesday, and it is good. God is good. God has had a plan all along, even when I felt alone and abandoned, unable to reach out to anyone. I knew that he did, and I am glad that I can see a little more of the plan now. 

Thank you, friends, for your support. Thank you for walks, talks, lunches, dinners, kindness, encouragement, new jobs and for letting God use you to help me. Thank you for helping me to start feeling like Pretty again...and for your continued understanding. Recovery from depression is a process, just like recovery from the flu, or a hip replacement. I have lots of work to do still, and I will do what I need to do...I am so very grateful to know that you are there to cheer me on. 

If you ever find yourself stuck in the pit of despair, the fog of depression, please get help. Please call or email me. I promise to never tell you to "get over it" or "just deal with it," because I know it is not that easy. Depression stinks...but recovery is entirely possible. Don't do anything un-doable if you are depressed...call an 800 number if you don't have a friend or pastor to call. Go to the doctor, or call 911 before you act out of desperation. Make a plan for your recovery. You can recover, just like I can, and I will help you if you want me to.

One more thing. Seek God. I know that some of you may think that's hooey, but "I sought the Lord and He answered me. He delivered me from all my fears." (Psalm 34:4) That's from the Bible, and it's also from my life. Seek Him. He is always there. That is His promise, and He is always faithful to His promises. 

Thanks for stopping by. I should be around more often now, and I am getting back to the knitting, too. I hope that your day is good, and that you will Knit in Good (mental and physical) Health!

Baby Steps

One thing they've told me, time and again, is that healing is going to take baby steps forward...and it has. But even though it seems to me that my progress is slow, I know that I am healing well, and I am grateful for that. :)

I'm slowly transitioning from the walker 

to a cane, as I am able. 

I am more able in the morning and early afternoon, and with a fresh dose of painkillers, but I am more and more able to walk more and more with the cane each day. I am also trying to walk a little more, and sit a little less, with each day, and I am feeling pretty strong most of the time!

Still, I sit a lot, and I am not back to work quite yet, so the knitting (and the cats) have been a very appreciated addition to my days at home. 

As with my hip, my knitting seems to be taking baby steps along the way. My big accomplishment seems to be hat knitting, with one in worsted cotton

and one in fingering wool finished this week.

Simple knitting, stuff I can do with my eyes closed (which happens occasionally, to be sure - the naps do tend to ambush me following physical therapy!), but satisfying projects that become finished objects, nonetheless. So satisfying that I have now cast on a simple pair of stripey socks as well, and I am looking forward to seeing them fly from my needles!

That's the thing about progress...sometimes you can see it, like in a newly finished object, bound off and gifted to a thankful recipient. Other times, you just trust that progress is there, sight unseen...as I trust that my hip is improving when I can make it all the way around the block without stopping to rest, taking in the sights of my lovely little neighborhood along the way!

Long story short (too late, I know), the hip is doing well, I am doing well, and I am thankful for each day that I open my eyes and take a breath, even if I'm in pain. There's too much life to be lived, and pain is often part of that life, so I might as well keep on putting one foot in front of the other. I hope that you are doing the same, and that you are also finding some joy in the journey of this life!

Thanks for stopping by, and knit in good health!

Monday, Monday...

Monday, Monday....can't trust that day. 

Or so the song goes. 

I, however, choose to trust that Monday will be good to me. Monday is the day I get a new hip. I am excited to NOT be in pain all the time, eventually. I am a little anxious about general anesthesia, which is pretty normal for me, and for all sane people. (Please do not tell me you are not anxious, or that you would not be anxious if you were me. This would not be helpful. Just tell me that you will be praying for me. Even if you won't, it will comfort me to think that maybe you are.) Finally, I am nervous about abandoning everyone where I work, even though they are all very smart people who will figure it out, or put it on hold until I get back. Maybe, come to think of it, I'm really worried about what my desk will look like when I do get back! lol!

In any case, I have simple, post-operative knitting at the ready, 

and I think all my ducks are in a row. Tomorrow is the annual church picnic, and I am eager to see what the pot-luck goodies will be! But today I will just chill and knit (maybe something a little complicated?) 

while I wait for Monday. The waiting, they say, is the hardest part. I think "they" are correct. 

I anticipate that I may miss a blog post or two. I will be in the hospital until at least Wednesday, and I haven't had time to blog ahead, so I'll miss seeing you all here in Blogland. But, as Schwartzenegger would surely say, "I'll be Bach!" I don't know why he wanted to be Bach. Maybe he thought Johann Sebastian was a cooler name than Arnold. Cool or not, Arnold would beat Bach in arm wrestling, for sure!

Wow. All of that even before I get sleepy-time pain meds? I can only imagine what I'll imagine post-surgery! If it's good, I'll blog it! In the meantime, happy knitting to all the knitters, and happy everything to everyone! I'll catch you on the flipside with my brand-new, shiny hip! 

Thanks for stopping by, and Knit in Good Health!

If there was a Napping Contest, I'd win.

I tend to overshare.  It's just a fact of life that my family has learned to live with.  I try not to overshare all the time, but eventually it all comes out...so here's your warning:

This post will have a little bit of the TMI factor,  and if you are squeamish, there may be moments that you will want to look away (or skim read really fast past the gross stuff).  This is an oversharing post, and also a bit of an explanation for my recent absence from the blog world.

Two weeks ago, I had a hysterectomy.  The news that I was going to have an operation came as a bit of a shock to me...I mean, I knew that some things were a bit "off" in my system, but I did not expect to lose my uterus this year.  Backing up the train a bit, back in March, I found out that I had fibroids...four of them.  The family doc said my uterus was "slightly enlarged" but nothing to really worry about.  

I did some research online, and found out that fibroids could be the cause of my recent...ahem...female troubles surrounding my cycles.  Troubles like having to carry an extra set of clothes with me one week out of every five, and actually having to use them (or go home to change) quite a few times over the past few months.  Troubles like severe cramping, the kind that made me curl up in a ball, rocking and quietly weeping, until it was time to change my clothes.  Troubles that eventually had me seek out a specialist, to just ask, "How much longer until I eventually get through this menopause thing?"  If I just knew how much longer, maybe it would be easier to endure. 

Ready to find out how long this might last, I sat in the Gyn's office, and waited to ask her what tools were available (that I hadn't already employed) to make the best of it.  I was surprised when she did a quick exam, and then scheduled me for surgery in a month, because my uterus was (in her professional, medical opinion) "HUGE."  She said that it should be the size of a lemon, and mine was the size of a cantaloupe!  "Huge" must be the technical term for a cantaloupe-sized uterus, because she used it over and over.  It would be an abdominal surgery, because my uterus was too "huge" to take out vaginally.  Yes, that was my uterus that I felt from the outside of my lower abdomen, because it was "huge."

I won't tell you that I didn't worry in the weeks leading up to the operation.  It was major abdominal surgery, and I have had more than my share of breakdowns between then and now...there was worry and crying right up until I went under the knife.  I stopped crying and worrying when they started the anesthetic on Monday morning (I hear that's pretty normal),...

...and I started again once I was off the Demerol drip on Tuesday.  (I worry. It's what I do...especially when dealing with major unknowns.)  I was in the hospital two nights, home that Wednesday, and I've been told to expect a six-week recovery.  So far, it's been two weeks, and I am feeling pretty good...my pain is almost gone, but I'm still napping once or twice a day.  It's hard to believe how tired I am!

So far, here's what I've learned from my first major surgery:

Your hair falls out more than usual after surgery.  I think this is a stress reaction, but I really was not ready for it.  

Staples in your stomach (I had 12) are really uncomfortable.  This should be expected, as your tummy is now pierced with OFFICE SUPPLIES!  C-sections were not part of my birth experiences, this was new to me.

Having the staples removed from your tummy is a bit uncomfortable.  Again, think office supplies, staple remover.  However, it's totally worth it to have those things out!

Stomach muscles are used for absolutely EVERYTHING!  Not just sitting up (ouch!), but also rolling over in bed (ouch!), breathing (ouch!), standing or sitting in the same position too long (ouch!).  Besides the new knowledge, I also lived in fear of sneezing or laughing or burping for over 10 days.  By the way, ouch!
Crying is just what I do when I am overtired, especially if I am too uncomfortable to nap.  Luckily, with the staples out, being too uncomfortable to nap is now the exception, rather than the rule.

One more thing I learned through this experience is that hysterectomy is a fairly common procedure in my family...at least among the women...  With all that girls talk openly about in this day and age, I guess I'm surprised that I didn't know/realize/remember until now how many women in my family are uterus-less...my mom, her mom, Sweetie's mom and sister, my sister and a cousin have all had hysterectomies for one reason or another.  As far as I know, I am the only fibroid case.  And not just family, many of my friends are walking around sans uterus as well.  I guess it's just not small talk that comes up.

Anyway, there you have it.  I hope to go back to work gradually, maybe a couple of half-days over the course of the next couple weeks, so I can still take the naps.  I have to say, with all of the unpleasantness of surgery and recovery, I do rather like the naps.  :)  As a matter of fact, I don't know what I would do without the naps!  There has been knitting...down time is so good for knitting, but mostly there has been napping and napping.

Thank you to my family for taking such good care of me.  Thank you to those who sent cards, called, and brought food and smiles during my immediate recovery.  And, if you've made it to the end of this post, thank YOU for reading!  All is well in Pretty-ville, and we should be back to our regularly scheduled blog posts toot-sweet!  (Just another nap or two, ok?)

What's your favorite place to take a nap?