A few years ago, Miranda Lambert had a song out called Mama's Broken Heart. When it came on, I cranked the volume and sang at the top of my lungs. I think that was my crazy showing, because I get it...I have had my heart broken more than a couple times. But even though I sang loudly and with reckless abandon, I didn't want anyone to see or know the crazy like it truly plays out in my head.
In my head, the crazy is a string of run-on sentences...things that could (but probably will not) happen...things I want to do...things I have to do...things I have forgotten to do...things I do not want to forget to do... The thoughts come with vivid pictures, often in amazing technicolor. If I am using a sharp knife, my mind's eye sees it slicing through my finger, blood everywhere, and I mentally run through the list of what I would do if that actually happened...things like that. Things to be hidden, for sure.
Eventually I started to realize that I wasn't doing anyone any favors by "hiding my crazy," or trying to. What I was really doing was working on a nervous breakdown. When the breakdown came, I took a break from the blog (and just about everything) until I felt more like I could keep it together a little better, even when I was falling apart.
I shared a little of that crazy with you in my Pre-Vacation Jitters post a couple weeks back because I now see that it is really not good to hold that all inside. Besides the nervous breakdown, pretending to have it all together does nothing for the world around you. People look at a smiling face (phony or not) and think, "I wish I had my life together like she/he does. My life is a mess!" I think that too! But the truth is, if we are true and honest with ourselves and with each other, that we are all a mess.
We come from messy families, and messy friendships, and messy jobs, and even messy churches. Things often do not go according to plan, and the older I get, the more trouble I have adjusting to the sudden, sharp shifts in direction. When I am on my game, I recognize this, and I take a moment...have a snack or a nap, take a walk, or some other kind of small break from the crazy. I just need some time to wrap my head around the new plan and change gears.
When I am off my game, the crazy hits like a ton of bricks! I cry, I claw and I come apart, shouting to the heavens, "Really? Why me again?!?" When I am off my game, I cannot even recognize that I need to eat or sleep...I just go off. It is embarrassing. I get why Miranda's mama wanted her to hide it.
But in the quiet moments, the ones where I quiet my brain to hear the voice of God and revel in his mighty creation, those are the moments that I am reminded that He is in control...and I am not. This is a good thing, even if God allows things I do not understand. If I (and my crazy) were in control, everything would be a mess, because I am a mess. I am so thankful that God is for me, and that I can trust his promises, even when I cannot see where the road leads. Every day I remember that "I sought the Lord, and He answered me. He delivered me from all my fears." (Ps 34:4) And every day He continues to deliver me, even when that deliverance involves a sharp turn in the road of my circumstances.
Today I am thankful for the quiet moments, and the calm that can be found all around me, if only I open my eyes. I am thankful for the simple pleasures of summer popsicles, and the astounding beauty of God's creation.
And I am thankful that you have stopped by, even (especially) in the middle of your mess. I am glad that you have taken a moment to quiet your soul, and reassure yourself that you are not alone. I am right there with you, and if misery loves company, lets get messy together. Maybe we can help each other out along the way.
Now, take another moment to breathe, and Knit in Good Health!
I shared a little of that crazy with you in my Pre-Vacation Jitters post a couple weeks back because I now see that it is really not good to hold that all inside. Besides the nervous breakdown, pretending to have it all together does nothing for the world around you. People look at a smiling face (phony or not) and think, "I wish I had my life together like she/he does. My life is a mess!" I think that too! But the truth is, if we are true and honest with ourselves and with each other, that we are all a mess.
We come from messy families, and messy friendships, and messy jobs, and even messy churches. Things often do not go according to plan, and the older I get, the more trouble I have adjusting to the sudden, sharp shifts in direction. When I am on my game, I recognize this, and I take a moment...have a snack or a nap, take a walk, or some other kind of small break from the crazy. I just need some time to wrap my head around the new plan and change gears.
When I am off my game, the crazy hits like a ton of bricks! I cry, I claw and I come apart, shouting to the heavens, "Really? Why me again?!?" When I am off my game, I cannot even recognize that I need to eat or sleep...I just go off. It is embarrassing. I get why Miranda's mama wanted her to hide it.
But in the quiet moments, the ones where I quiet my brain to hear the voice of God and revel in his mighty creation, those are the moments that I am reminded that He is in control...and I am not. This is a good thing, even if God allows things I do not understand. If I (and my crazy) were in control, everything would be a mess, because I am a mess. I am so thankful that God is for me, and that I can trust his promises, even when I cannot see where the road leads. Every day I remember that "I sought the Lord, and He answered me. He delivered me from all my fears." (Ps 34:4) And every day He continues to deliver me, even when that deliverance involves a sharp turn in the road of my circumstances.
Today I am thankful for the quiet moments, and the calm that can be found all around me, if only I open my eyes. I am thankful for the simple pleasures of summer popsicles, and the astounding beauty of God's creation.
And I am thankful that you have stopped by, even (especially) in the middle of your mess. I am glad that you have taken a moment to quiet your soul, and reassure yourself that you are not alone. I am right there with you, and if misery loves company, lets get messy together. Maybe we can help each other out along the way.
Now, take another moment to breathe, and Knit in Good Health!
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