Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Patronizing Pants

I wish that my pants would stop patronizing me.

::Wait. What? Your pants?::

Yes. My pants are very patronizing. Allow me to explain...

Back when I broke my fingers (trying to get fit, I fell while jogging) I was at a decent weight. Not an ideal weight, but I was down several pounds from where I had started a year before. I had even bought smaller pants, and ditched many of my "fat clothes." Since the fall, however, I have not run. Actually, I haven't done much since then...well, except knit. (Side note: knitting with broken fingers is possible, but difficult...and really, the calories should have continued to burn themselves just out of respect for my determination to knit! But they did not.) Because I have spent more time sitting these past few months, the weight I had lost has come back, and I think every pound has invited a friend. Eventually, I knew I would have to shop for new pants...and I did.

At the store, I had trouble. I don't know why it is so difficult to buy pants that fit, but I've talked to lots of women (of ALL sizes) and this is a fairly common occurrence. After trying on about a gazillion pair of jeans in a variety of sizes, I picked up a pair that had no zipper...that is to say pull-up jeans, with an elastic waist. In my head, these are also known as gramma pants, fat pants, and/or lazy pants... But I needed pants, and they fit, so I bought them.

Then, as I was getting dressed about a week later, I thought I was holding the pants backwards. There was writing on the waistband...wait. What does that say there?

It says, "You are GORGEOUS." My pants have just told me, in a moment of weakness, while I was having trouble distinguishing the front from the back of a pair of pants have just told me that I am pretty. Now, every time I get dressed or go to the ladies room, they continue to patronize me! If they weren't so darn comfortable, I'd have to burn them.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think that I am not gorgeous. Obviously I am pretty, because I am Pretty! But do my pants really have to pander to me that way? It's like they are saying, "You're not fat, you're fluffy!" Or perhaps they are proclaiming, "You have such a pretty face!" I know that I have a pretty face, and I know that I am fluffy...and despite the latter, I actually have a pretty good self-esteem these days. However, I'm always a little offended when I feel patronized...

What do you think? Are my pants patronizing? Are yours?
Are all pants involved in a conspiracy against women finding jeans to fit?
Are there curve-less, straight-and-narrow, toothpick designers out there just laughing at women who NEED their pants to tell them they are pretty?
Should I just stop all this madness and get back to the knitting?

Let me know your thoughts, and let me know what is the very best thing about YOU in the comments! My very best thing is that I am finally learning to have a sense of humor. It is a weird sense of humor, to be sure, but at least I have started to loosen up before this lifetime is over!

Thanks for stopping by, and Knit (and Laugh) in Good Health!


  1. Oh, that's funny! And delightful that you didn't see it until you owned them, rather than it being a successful-or-not sales tactic. Enjoy!

    And get better quickly.

  2. Oh, good grief. Patronizing pants. Now I've seen everything. I think I would have shrieked and backed away from the pants! And yes, I have the same trouble finding a pair that fits. Which I need to do because I've gotten fluffier the last few month.

  3. I have a pair that says "Secret Slender". Probably referring to the extra lycra content, but I bought them when I was expecting and not ready to tell anyone. Seemed about right.